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Tuesday, October 6th, 2009
9:42 am
not dead yet
the beautiful mess
Saturday, May 2nd, 2009
10:36 pm - it is time to live again
I do a counseling group for teens who have babies. I found out one of my clients is in the eighth grade, the other 17 with a one year old. I try to think of when I was that age. I was boiling pencils and burning newspapers in my kitchen just to see what would happen. I was jumping through hotel room hallways because i was kissed for the first time. I was having cookie dough fights while rollerblading in my kitchen and riding around listening to led zeppelin in an old cougar just because i could.
I try to relate but all I can do is try to teach them to be good parents and how to deal with the upcoming stress that I have read about in textbooks and learned about from family. It breaks my heart, but a lot of my job does.
After the group i was driving home on the ccc and remembered driving on the interstate with the sunroof open standing on the passenger seat, arms out, the closest to flying we could get.
When did that innocence go away? Perhaps after the 1000th cigarette or the 800th beer.
But that child in the park still has our eyes; the woman in the antique shop knows our secrets from the past, our lost creativity, our lost joy without care.
The creations used to flow from our fingertips, our tongues, our hearts; like colored ribbons, like water falls, like lightening. Suddenly!. The lightening bolts and exclamation points forever marking our skin are there to remind us of this unadulterated fun we had, this abundance of creativity this innocence that we somehow protected until we all spread apart, like a diaspora of those with shining eyes and the ability to create something amazing out of thin air. I know that person is still inside of me, and i will find her. I know those people are still inside all of us, crying to get out, bouncing against the walls of the padded rooms we have locked them in.
Lost innocence is something that seems inevitable, but I have come to believe it can never be lost. We did not have to grow up so fast; we had our ideas, our strong ingenious minds, and something else that can not be defined in words, but only by the wind that rushes past you as you are holding your arms out closing our eyes and standing out of a sunroof going 80 on the interstate.
It is still there.
If we find it we can save the world.
the beautiful mess
Sunday, March 29th, 2009
4:01 pm
its been a weird weekend.  but, as always... they are showing my apartment again.  i did not clean it up this time i am so sick of it.  people in and out all day long.  i wanted to have a sunday watching movies and crap but the caled and said someone was coming, but i was like eh, ill just stay in my pj pants.  well, its been over an hour and 5 groups have come through.  this guy come through and upon leaving asked if the landlord could get the cat smell out of the house, because cats are disgusting.  the litterbox is clean and so are the floors.  i just feel bad/dirty.  its a mess, i am not dressed, and im embarrassed as anything.  i guess that teaches me a lesson.  i hope this next group is the last one.
the beautiful mess
Friday, March 27th, 2009
5:31 pm
one of the few people in my program who was really nice to me died today.  i dont know what i feel.  a lot of people from my program went to the hospital.  i would go, or would have, when she was still in the coma and on life support, but now i guess i feel its weird to go.  people keep going, but i dont know if her family really needs a lot of strangers around.  it just feels weird to me to go at this point. 
i prayed.  i never do that.  but i did, for her family, for everyone who lost her i said a mi she berach (however you spell it), and for gina, i said a kadish.  sometimes i think that if god (if there is one) hears a voice that he hasn't heard in years and its unfamiliar, then whatever it is saying must be important and he listens more intently.  its not the same old thing, if this voice is there its because its important. 
1 dream of|the beautiful mess
Tuesday, March 17th, 2009
5:13 pm
never in my life have i wanted to vomit so much.  not because i need to, but so that someone will believe that i am sick and not just bi-polar.   i am sick guys.  i slept for 24 hours and im still tired, my head is throbbing, i feel weak,i have a fever, i cant focus, holding my head up is hard work.  all i want to do is cry.  i have no one who will believe im not feeling well, they just think im depressed.  and now i kind of do feel like shit.  but not the nothingness of depression, just the desire to dissappear from the face of the earth because no one would care or notice.  i want to go home, (not to my parents house, but to that safe place where everything is ok) but i dont have one.
the beautiful mess
10:41 am
i am more than a fucking diagnosis godd damnit!
jsut because im feeling sick does not mean i didnt "take my meds".  i have a cough and a headache and a fever, what does that have to do with a mental disorder?
just because im tired one day does not mean i didnt take the zoloft.  it means im tired.
if im happy im not fucking manic.  maybe good things can actually happen in my life.  maybe i had 2 cups of coffee.  its not that i didnt take the clonpin.
i am a person.  i should be allowed to get sick and feel emotions and live without everyone asking me if ive taken my medication.  i should be allowed to go to a party and have a drink without someone asking how that will react with the meds.  i know the fucking answers.  thats what doctors are for.  im the one taking the fucking pills.  im the one in the wretchid body. 
you say its concern, but is it really?  why dont you ask how im feeling, or if i need soup or orange juice, not are you taking your meds.  thats not going to make it better assholes.
the beautiful mess
Monday, March 16th, 2009
6:51 pm
my head is spinning and everything is going in slow motion.  i cant even focus on this screen for more than a few seconds.  tv is worse because its moving.  my temperature is like 97 degrees. what the hell is ahppeneng?
the beautiful mess
Sunday, March 15th, 2009
7:30 pm
the beautiful mess
Friday, November 28th, 2008
3:44 am
or anyone for that matter.
2 dream of|the beautiful mess
Friday, November 14th, 2008
8:25 am - QC has described it very well
relationships are like fireworks, loud and explosive and liable to maim you if you hold on too long. 

(i knew i loved sven, the womanizing songwriter)
the beautiful mess
Tuesday, August 26th, 2008
9:47 pm
the news says i should come up with an evacuation plan before sunday for gustav.  we are going to talk about it at school tomorrow and at work on thursday and decide when it is ok to leave and not be counted as absent.  i think im going to athens.  up on 10 across on 20 to athens, the opposite way of the storm.  i guess ill pack up all my shit on saturday just in case and keep the gas tank at full capacity at all times.  the news keeps freaking me out and so does everyrone else because they are all getting anxious.  the second they say evacuate im getting the hell out of here.  ok i need to look at the bright side, maybe it wont hit here at all.  i need to not watch the weather channel.
but hey athens, i may be coming so get ready to watch me get drunk/try to keep up with my classes.  who knows when or if, but it could be like a vacation or something.
the end.
the beautiful mess
Sunday, May 25th, 2008
2:53 am
damn.  the no sleeping thing is coming back.
the beautiful mess
Saturday, May 10th, 2008
9:55 pm
i need a vacation.  who wants to go on one?  somewhere cool and where its not too much monies, but still a vacation.  maybe the beach or new york (if we have a place to crash) or mexico?
the beautiful mess
Thursday, May 8th, 2008
9:12 pm
so i just figured out why my tv is always cutting off parts of the picture.  its because the cable is set up for hd or widescreen or something and i have a square box.  it only took me about a year to figure it out.  thats why im in college/
the beautiful mess
Tuesday, May 6th, 2008
11:45 am - itunes flashback
what was the most romantic moment of your life?
the beautiful mess
Monday, April 28th, 2008
4:42 pm
the beautiful mess
Saturday, April 12th, 2008
12:41 am - im not funny at all, im just bored out of my mind
the beautiful mess
Monday, January 7th, 2008
6:23 am
im getting to where i cant sleep anymore again.

im either sleeping all the time or not at all.

i am a littl worried that this may become a problem soon.

the benedryll isnt working anmore.
1 dream of|the beautiful mess
Monday, December 31st, 2007
4:34 pm - ha

MyHeritage: Celebrity Collage - Family history

2 dream of|the beautiful mess
Saturday, November 24th, 2007
5:16 am
i have a big problem

i cant sleep


im up until 5 every morning

make it stop
2 dream of|the beautiful mess
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